Earlier this week, The Players Tribune published an article called What The (Blank)?: Year-End Edition. The article featured none other than supposed Philadelphia Flyers captain Claude Giroux filling out simple fill-in-the-blank answers to the questions posed by the site. Giroux got through the survey without raising any major concerns until the final question, which asked about his New Year Resolution. Claude’s Answer, written in very sloppy handwriting, was “Eat More Grilled Cheese Sandwiches”.
We’ve known for a long time that Claude Giroux enjoys a nice grilled cheese sandwich. Who doesn’t? But over the years, there have been an increasing number of alarming signs that Giroux’s grilled cheese consumption is becoming problematic.
The social interaction web page Twitter dot com allows for all of it’s users to have a short bio. The bio can include some fun facts about yourself so that users can get a small glimpse into the eyes of the user before viewing their profile. Here are some examples of useful bio sections:
- Hi I’m Benny. I am a 10th grader at Perkiomen Valley High School. Love to hunt and play base ball (PV JV #14). Love my girlfriend AShley.
- Full time stay at home father. 7 beautiful sons. Phoenix Online University Graduate. Age 43. Still looking for a new wife.
- 39 year old. Grocery Clerk. Big time @MinnesotaWild fan for life. Hobbies include repeatedly complimenting myself, eating and playing with model trains and cars, avid Magic: The Gathering player
Now let’s take a look at Claude Giroux’s Twitter bio:
Yikes. But that’s not all. The other day I went to search for a Claude Giroux goal video. Just take a look at the search option that I had to scroll past in order to find it.
This shows that his commitment to Grilled Cheese has surpassed his commitment to goals, and that is not good. Last, but not least, here’s this post from Shayne Gostisbehere the other day.
Not the kind of posts you want to see from your young stars.
THE DANGERS OF GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES
According to hockey stat page War-On-Ice.com, a standard grilled cheese sandwich has the following nutritional stats:
- 525 Calories
- 25 Grams of Fat
- 13 Grams of Saturated Fat
Whew, not good. Just one of these deadly sandwiches has over 60% of a normal human’s daily saturated fat recommendation. The last thing the Flyers need is for their captain to miss 6-8 weeks during the playoff race as he recovers from a quadruple-bypass surgery.
Here are a few sandwiches that Claude might be better off consuming before hockey games:
- Peanut Butter Sandwich: Packs all of the fast-acting carbs that he needs before a game while also containing some useful dietary fats.
- Turkey Sandwich: Gives Claude some useful protein that can help with muscle development instead of containing just cheese that is loaded up with calories and saturated fat.
- Hot Dog: While it’s still high in fat, this sandwich does deliver some protein that is slightly more useful.
One NHL player, who asked us to remain anonymous for this piece, gave us the following quotes in a 1 on 1 interview.
It’s a slippery slope. First you eat a bit unhealthy. Then everything goes downhill. Now, I eat over 6 gallons of mayonnaise every single day. When I took over my team’s captaincy in 2007, I was eating healthy and scoring often. Now I only have 22 points so far this season. Things have gotten so bad that my teammate Evgeni Malkin had to sit down with me and confront me about my dietary habits. My performance has suffered to the point where I can no longer make Chris Kunitz look like a good NHL player. My performance has suffered in other areas as well, but I’d rather not discuss that at this time.
Wow. Scary and humbling stuff from whatever player that was from.
Anyway, the point is clear. The Philadelphia Flyers need a captain who will devote himself to high performance 24 hours every day. Claude Giroux needs have higher goals than ‘consume more unhealthy food’. If he doesn’t have that kind of ambition, then maybe it’s time to get somebody in here who does. At the very least, maybe the next captain will be able to draw a better banana.