Eagles Overreaction Week 7: Wentz is bad, Jim Schwartz is a god

“Eagles Overreaction is a completely serious and well-reasoned analysis of Philadelphia Eagles games. All opinions expressed here are facts. Anyone indicating to the contrary is wrong. Anyone disagreeing with the aforementioned analysis is likewise wrong.” – Abraham Lincoln

I’m so glad I didn’t cancel my hotel reservations in Houston for the Super Bowl, because, clearly, the Philadelphia Eagles are the only team that can beat the Philadelphia Eagles. Also crap teams like Detroit and Washington, but what are the odds that a crap team makes the Super Bowl? Pretty slim, so the Eagles should win with ease. Guess I have to buy the new Lady Gaga record and brush up on my “ra ra oo la las,” or I’ll look silly during the halftime show.

At Super Bowl 51, the Eagles will have to win despite, and not because of their terrible quarterback who played like a dope, yesterday. Watching that game, you’d think Carson Wentz had never faced the number-one defense in the NFL before. Sad! Luckily, he was playing so badly that rookie tackle Hallapalooza Vaitai felt sorry for him and started to actually block some of those best defenders in the NFL – otherwise, things could have been much worse. Also, Ryan Mathews, the Fumblesaurus Rex, is very bad at footballing because he fumbles with his tiny Fumblesaurus Rex arms. Wendell Smallwood not only has a much more hilarious name than “Mathews,” but Smallwood (lmao) has zero fumbles in his NFL career, compared to 20 for the Fumblesaurus! Make the switch.

Ryan Mathews

Ryan Mathews just before the twentieth fumble of his NFL career.

But enough about how bad the offense and that bust Carson Wentz was, let’s talk about Jim Schwartz! The Eagles defense beat the best defense in the NFL, so now they are the best defense in the NFL. That’s how it works, like when you beat Mike Tyson in Punch-Out!! you are the champion. The same concept applies here. Schwartz, or The Greatest Defensive Coordinator Ever (TGDCE), dialed up blitzes and hammered former savior of the Eagles franchise and now garbage quarterback Sam Bradford – hitting him 12 times and getting six sacks. Badford threw an interception and fumbled the football four times (losing two) thanks to the relentless pressure orchestrated by TGDCE. Former draft bust Brandon Graham played like a man finally playing his proper position on the field and added a sack and forced fumble to his already outstanding 2016 performance. Sophomore linebacker Jordan Hicks led the Eagles with 11 tackles, two passes defended, and a sack. Hicks will likely come in second-place to Graham for Defensive Player of the Year – assuming the unfair NFL will not give this award directly to the TGDCE, himself. The Eagles are allowing an average of 14.7 yards per game on their current Super Bowl run.

The Eagles defense defeats the Vikings and becomes the best.

The Eagles defense defeats the Vikings and becomes the best.

Next Week

The Philadelphia Eagles, having the best defense in the NFL, will destroy rookies Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliot on the road against Dallas. Brandon Graham and friends will trample over the “elite” (*scoffs) offensive line and sack Prescott about seventeen times, before the gracious and good TGDCE calls off the dogs, because, he is not a monster. It is, after all, just a game. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone. Ha! Just kidding, TGDCE is NOT merciful and he will cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war! Also, Wentz will decide to stop being terrible and will throw only touchdowns, not interceptions.

Prediction: Eagles – 45 Cowboys – 0


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