Half-Assessment Week 11: Eagles vs. Buccaneers

Photo via Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Photo via Tampa Bay Buccaneers

 

Did you think that Dolphins game was ugly? Oh, silly Eagles fans. That game had nothin’ on this one. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers completely destroyed the Birds by the score of 45-17. Yes, those Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Yes, this flaming dung heap is a fine place to sleep tonight.

Offense

Mark Sanchez had a pretty good start before transforming into the shittiest Transformer since the marketing wizards from Big wanted a robot to turn into a building. The Sanchize finished the day 26/41 for 261 yards, 2 TDs and 3 interceptions. He also took 3 sacks. Yeah, that ain’t great. It was a rough day for Sanchez, who probably could have snatched the starting job from Sam Bradford with a couple of strong starts. Nope, that’s not happening. Sanchez was so Sanchtastic that it makes one yearn for the days of Koy Detmer, or maybe an inanimate carbon rod as backup QB. I mean, just look at this.

DeMarco Murray didn’t fare much better. Despite having the backfield all to himself, Murray couldn’t get it going all day, rushing 13 times for 64 yards. Kenjon Barner and Darren Sproles didn’t fare much better in their opportunities, rushing for 37 and 21 yards respectively. Murray even inspired our first unnamed team source trash talk of the season over his apparent lack of effort. Boy oh boy!

There wasn’t a ton going on in with the receivers, although Brent Celek is enjoying a nice little resurgence posting a 7 catch, 79 yard game. Jordan Matthews caught 4 passes for a whole 13 yards. Great job buddy! The Little Man coalition of Josh Huff and Darren Sproles did manage to produce touchdowns, so that was nice.

As bad as the offense was (and they were bad), this one was all about the defense.

Defense

After a strong start to the season, the Eagles’ defense is falling apart. The Bucs’ offense walked all over them. Jameis Winston went 19/29 for 246 yards and 5 goddamn touchdowns. Yes 5 touchdowns. I don’t want to live in this world any longer.

On top of that, Doug Martin just demolished the run defense, getting the ball 27 times for 235 yards. Holy shit you guys. That’s a sickening number. I know Doug Martin is good, but that is ridiculous. What the hell happened?

There is no upside to this one. The Eagles got flat-out dominated and embarrassed on their home field. By the worst dressed team in the NFL. 

Next Week

Well, you barely have to wait for next week, the Eagles unfortunately play again on Thursday, promising to ruin your turkey day even before your family gets the chance to make you uncomfortable talking about immigration and terrorism! The Birds travel to Detroit to take on their fellow dumpster fire team, the 3-7 Lions.

Look, the Birds should win this one. Matt Stafford, like our special Sammy Bradford, is just as likely to throw a touchdown as he is to throw a mind-numbing interception. Their leading rusher, Ameer Abdullah, makes DeMarco Murray look good, having only rushed for 284 yards and 1 touchdown on the season. There is, of course, Calvin Johnson to worry about. Dude is doing his thing, having caught 59 balls for 828 yards and 3 touchdowns. It’s not quite what he did in the old days, but it’s good enough for top 10 in the NFL in receiving yards. That’s over 200 yards more yards than Jordan Matthews has on just 4 more receptions. Terrific.

Who starts at QB for the Eagles in this one? Will Bradford be healthy enough? Will it be another round of Butt Fumbling fun with Mark Sanchez? My vote goes to the inanimate carbon rod.

Carbon Rod

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