Half-Assessment Week 3: Eagles vs. Jets

Bonehead Marshall

Hey, the Eagles won a game! Against a team that they weren’t supposed to beat! The Jets game was far from great, but a win is a win. And gin is gin. I’ll probably be drinking a lot of that at a wedding this weekend. Let’s look back at the Birds’ win over the New York Football Jets in this half a week late edition of the Half-Assessment.



Sam Bradford sure is something, huh? Sammy went 14-28 for 118 yards and 1 touchdown, whoooooooooo! Granted the Jets have a pretty darn good defense, but that’s not great. Bradford isn’t anywhere close to the superstar we expected in preseason. He’s not stepping fully into his throws. Have some confidence, Sam! Philadelphia can sense your fear like a junkyard dog. That’s probably due to all the Mad Dog 20/20 being consumed in the parking lot before games.

At least the running game finally got going this week! Perennial fantasy football disappointment Ryan “One T and please stop mentioning it you rotten bastards” Mathews stepped up and rumbled for 108 yards on 25 carries. The running game is aliiiiiive! Of course, considering this is Philadelphia, people are already claiming this as a controversy. I’m not sure if it’s joking or a legitimate part of the hot take machine, because sincerity and the internet are rarely friends. Regardless, until DeMarco Murray is 100%, Mathew Ryans is our man.

Speaking of the man, Darren Sproles kicked some ass on Sunday. His 89-yard punt return TD was a thing of shifty beauty. The little guy even ran in a touchdown.

The offensive line looked a little better, so of course they lost someone for the season. So long Andrew Gardner, see you next year. Replacing him will be…someone. Will it be Matt Tobin? Dennis Kelly? Your mom? Julian Vandervelde was signed for the 43rd time to add a little depth. I need to keep reminding myself that he’s not a depth player for the Flyers.

Cody Parkey was injured as well. I hear Alex Henery’s available. ::vomits everywhere::



Another good effort from the defense! They did let things get a little hairy at the end for a bit, but they came through with 4 turnovers. I did mention last week that the Jets might find a way to screw this up. May I present you with Brandon Marshall:

gif via USA Today


What a fantastic fumble. That’s an end of the game desperation move, not something you pull in the second quarter! Marshall did have a solid day altogether with 10 catches for 109 yards and a touchdown, but there’s no chance in hell he’s living that down. Surely, my teammate will catch this and not one of the slew of defenders rushing over to tackle me. Good job Brandon.

And how about those picks? Walter Thurmond, Jordan Hicks, and Eric Rowe all stepped up and picked off HARVARD GRAD Ryan Fitzpatrick to help the Birds secure an important first win. It helped that the Jets were missing Chris Ivory and Eric Decker, but whoooooo caaaaares, Iggles win!


Next Week

The Eagles travel to somewhere outside our nation’s capital where some football team that no one wants to mention by name plays. This unnamed team is also 1-2, having beaten the Rams in week 2. DeSean Jackson might be back this week, just in time to play his former team. How convenient. This one’s a toss-up that could end up being delayed due to Hurricane Joaquin Phoenix. Really though, the Eagles should win. It is the Redsk-errrrrr the WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM after all.

10/2/15 UPDATE: As of 10:30am it looks like both DeSean Jackson and Hurricane Joaquin may miss the game on Sunday. Experts are much more certain on Jackson, as he hasn’t practiced this week. No one has any damn clue on Joaquin.


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