Half-Assessment Week 4: Eagles vs. Redskins

Photo via John Geliebter/Philadelphia Eagles

Photo via John Geliebter/Philadelphia Eagles


Everything sucks. Well, at least that game sure did. The Philadelphia Eagles lost to the WASHINGTON FOOTBALL TEAM 23-20 on Sunday. It was another rough game to watch, continuing the theme of Chip Kelly’s third season.


Sam Bradford. Sammy Sammy Sam Sam. What’s going on my man? Bradford’s numbers at day’s end are actually pretty good, as he threw for 270 yards and 3 touchdowns. But that all came in the second half. Why can’t the Eagles get it going in the first half? They’re just brain dead at the beginning of every game. Are they not listening to the sports scientists? Go to bed earlier you guys!

At least some receivers besides Jordan Matthews showed up for this one. The most likable Eagle in history, Riley Cooper, caught 2 balls for 72 yards and a touchdown. Rookie Nelson Agholor caught 3 passes for 64 yards when he wasn’t botching trick plays. And wow wow wow MILES AUSTIN had 2 catches for 51 yards and a touchdown. No one would blame you if you didn’t have any idea that Miles Austin was on this team.

Unfortunately, the running game regressed after last week’s stellar performance from Ryan Mathews. It’s all DeMarco Murray’s fault clearly. It’s time to start maliciously calling DeMarco the following completely without awareness or irony:

  • Traitor
  • Lazy
  • Cowboys Spy
  • Turd
  • The Worst Signing in Eagles History
  • NoYardso Gimpy

The Eagles totalled 87 yards on the ground between Murray, Mathews, Bradford (yes, he really did run the ball!), and Darren Sproles. The run game needs to be consistently going for the Eagles to be successful. They need to open up the field for the long ball. Notice that when they finally got things going, they were going deep. Everyone likes it deep.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Caleb Sturgis and his missed field goal and PAT. That obviously didn’t help in this 3 point loss. Please kick better in the future. Thanks. Why is it so hard to find good kickers these days? I thought more kids were playing soccer! Poach better NCAA football coaches.


I’ve been pretty generous to the defense so far this year. The poor little guys have been getting all tuckered out due to the offense averaging 4 minutes of possession a game. This effort doesn’t get the same sympathy. Washington’s offense had their way with the Eagles for most of the first half. Kirk Cousins threw for 290 yards, while the trio of Alfred Morris, Chris Thompson, and Matt Jones ran for 127 yards. I knew about Morris and Jones, but who is Thompson? Are the ‘Skins just pulling running backs out of nowhere now? I’m easily confused, you jerks!

As upsetting as the first half was, the Birds clawed their way to the lead with only a few minutes left in the game. If the defense could have held, then the Iggles could have won this one and been sitting averagely at 2-2. They didn’t hold. Kirk Cousins marched down the field and sealed the Eagles’ fate with an impressive throw to Pierre Garcon.

It wasn’t all bad. Brandon Graham had a solid game with a sack and a beaut of a forced fumble. Jordan Hicks recovered a fumble. Aaaaaand, that’s all I got. Seriously, it’s the Redskins (I give up, I already had to write the damn name in the headline). They didn’t even (thankfully) have DeSean Jackson. I can’t believe this dumb team is 1-3 and somehow only 1 game back in the NFC East. The season is far from over. The Eagles could easily Gump their way to a playoff berth. But man, this is some of the worst football I’ve seen in a long time. Youse guys are killing me.

Next Week

The Eagles host the 1-3 New Orleans Saints, which sure sounds like a lot of fun. Drew Brees is dealing with some shoulder issues, as well as a bad case of MissingJimmyGrahamitis, but he’s still Drew Brees. The Saints did us all a big favor and took a win away from Jerry Jones and the Cowboys on national television, so hopefully they can do us another favor and lose. I have absolutely no idea what to expect.

Week 5 Beer Recommendation

It’s October and beer stores are being overrun by pumpkin this and Oktoberfest that. If you’re looking for something nice and hoppy however, I’ve recently taken a liking to Susquehanna Brewing Company’s Hopcellerator. It should help you get through another slow Eagles start.


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