Here’s a Bunch of Lousy Flyers as Captain Planet Characters

Captain Dammit

Captain Planet and the Planeteers was the most 90s of all 90s cartoon. Its hero had a mullet, it sprang up as a result of increasing awareness of environmentalism, and its animation was cheaply made somewhere in Asia. Craig Berube probably didn’t watch Captain Planet, but I’m sure he has some nostalgia for the 90s. There weren’t any fancy stats, men got to be men, crowds cheered as he face punched his way through his career.

This is all to say that for some reason, I thought it would be funny to think up the worst Flyers as Captain Planet and his Planeteers. Oh course, Chief is Captain Dammit here, because he makes me scream “Dammit Chief, why is R.J. Umberger playing on the power play!?” on a near weekly basis.

 

Earth – Vinny Lecavalier

Berube can’t seem to find a spot to appease the Flyers’ $4.5 million a season black hole of a center. Lecavalier moves as slowly as dirt, so the power of Earth seems appropriate.

 

Fire – RJ Umberger

R.J. Umberger was the king of hot takes following his trade back to the Flyers in exchange for Scott Hartnell. “Giroux and Voracek can make anyone look good!” Yeah, they definitely can’t. Not when the player in question can’t seem to do anything right. Umberger keeps getting his chances on lines that get more than 2 minutes a night though, which blows my mind.

 

Water – Chris VandeVelde

It’s not that VandeVelde is a bad player. He’s a fine replacement guy to stick on the fourth line and give Giroux and Voracek a breather. But VandeVelde is certainly not top line material. Don’t tell that to Berube! VandeVelde’s time as a top line winger lasted about 30 seconds.

 

Wind – Andrew MacDonald

Like the wind, Andrew MacDonald goes where he’s needed. And where he’s needed is deep in the defensive zone, awaiting his opportunity to block a shot. Andrew MacDonald is bad and he should feel bad.

 

Heart – Zac Rinaldo

 


 

Captain Dammit

He’s no beardo

Gonna take your Corsi down to zero

 

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