MOVIE TITLE: FLYERS VERSUS BLUES (2015)
Claude Giroux (A Bad Leader)
Steve Mason (God)
Steve Ott (A Trash Can Filled With Poop)
Robert Bortuzzo (Skunk That Was Accidentally Shipped To Scottrade Center Instead Of Zoo)
Nicklas Grossmann (Guy Who Killed An NHL Defenseman Before Game And Is Now Pretending To Be One)
Zac Rinaldo (A Stray Piss Cell From Urinal That Landed In Medical Waste And Grew Into A Mutant Piss-Human)
Director: Greg Berube, Alfred Hitchcock
Synopsis: A bad team led by a bad leader who doesn’t answer questions takes on a pretty good team in a sports game (hockey). (Rated PG-69)
The first act of the film was terribly boring and immediately lost my interest. I mean hell, I almost thought about leaving the theatre and sneaking in next door where they were shoving a simulcast of a young pig sleeping in a pile of his own shit. The only entertaining part of this whole act was when the mutant piss-human (played PERFECTLY by Zac Rinaldo) drew a penalty.
The second act was a drawn out continuation of the already boring storylines laid out in the first act. God (played by Mason) continued to keep the Flyers hopeful as they tested the limits of how poorly a team can play sports. By the halfway point in this act, every single god damned person except for the giant fat guy next to me had exited the theatre and gone next door to watch the pig. With 6 minutes left I went to the snack bar to get some fucking Mike and Ikes, and the score was still 0-0 when I got back, so I guess nothing important happened the rest of the way.
The third act was dominated by God (Mason). Like churchgoers with no hope but to get on their knees and pray for a miracle, the Flyers relied on God to keep them going. The Bad Leader (Played by Giroux) was very realistic in his role, as he scored 0 goals during regulation. Hmm. The makeup/costumes artist was also very realistic in dressing Giroux’s character in a walking boot before the game.
After a stupid extra act and some other horrible thing that took place, God finally failed the Flyers. Maybe some sort of metaphoric attack on organized religion? I will leave that for the viewer to interpret. Director Hitchcock completed his 700th good film, so that’s cool I guess.
The clear underlying theme to this film, as with most films directed by Greg Berube, is the futility of life. The absolute meaninglessness of this film for the Flyers is a metaphor for the cold reality that every life is just a long and insignificant road that ultimately leads to a certain death. Berube, through his lineup decisions, constantly aims to represent how utterly hollow life is on this planet.
I would rather get waterboarded than watch this film again. I hope that Berube stops directing films soon. Also if you stayed past the credits, they did a teaser for some sort of sequel on Saturday at 1! You can bet your ass I won’t be watching that shit! Haha!