The Flyers and Penguins at a Family Dinner

Photo by Amy Irvin/38 Photography

Photo by Amy Irvin/38 Photography

Following Wednesday’s 4-1 defeat of the Penguins, Pittsburgh hockey blog The Pensblog had some, well, interesting thoughts about the Flyers. The following excerpt came from their recap of the game:

The Flyers in this situation are like that relative who gets really drunk at every family get-together. You don’t know if he’s gonna get drunk and pass out…or get drunk, grab your aunt’s ass, and make a bunch of thinly veiled comments about how he’s a disappointment to the family.

No matter how drunk, one thing that relative doesn’t do is come into your house and poop in your mouth, which is what the Flyers did in this game. The Flyers are scum and didn’t have pride to begin with, so they weren’t playing for that. They were just basically going through the motions and beat up a Pens team that should be getting primed for the playoffs.

Hmm. I’m a little bit lost here, to be completely honest. So the one thing that the Flyers don’t do is poop in your mouth, but they did in fact poop in your mouth? This metaphor just doesn’t seem to make much sense. So we’ve set out to make a better one.

The Flyers and Penguins are cousins who attend the Metropolitan Family get togethers. They are happy to still be close, as financial difficulties almost forced one of the family members into a work-related move to Kansas City several years ago. The Penguins can not wait for family dinners in Philadelphia, as they have to spend most of the year eating processed poop and pee from a food stop known as Sheetz.

The Flyers have been known to drink a lot and get pretty rowdy at these dinners, but the Penguins sometimes go over the top too. Who could forget the time they got so obliterated on Mad Dog that they traded two second round picks for Douglas Murray!? Most recently, they blacked out and forgot to manage the salary cap correctly, resulting in 26 minutes of ice time for something known as ‘Rob Scuderi’.

At last night’s family gathering, the Flyers were perfectly buzzed on Johnny Walker Black and were the life of the party. Meanwhile, the Penguins imbibed way too much Blue Wave Vodka and just continuously shouted “1975” before throwing up all over the centerpiece and passing out. They’ve been the more successful family member recently, but they continue to perform poorly at these family get togethers.

There. That wasn’t too difficult. These rivalry games are fun and all, but if you are going to create a metaphorical situation that involves you eating a family member’s poop, I’d at least try to have it make more sense next time. Otherwise you’re just eating poop for no reason.

Next family dinner is on Sunday afternoon. See you guys there!


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