The Flyers Will Easily Defeat Tampa Bay Tonight

(Photo by Amy Irvin/38 Photography)

(Photo by Amy Irvin/38 Photography)

If you take a look at the sports betting website Bovada, you’ll see that the Tampa Bay Lightning are favored to win tonight’s game by two goals or more. Arrogant and biased Tampa Bay sportswriters are predicting a fairly easy win and already looking forward to a stretch of games against tougher Central Division opponents later this month.

A closer and more informed look at things will show you that the Flyers are clear favorites to win this game for several reasons. Let’s take a look at them.

1. THE LIGHTNING ARE RAISING A GIANT PARTICIPATION TROPHY BEFORE THE GAME

Before tonight’s game, the Lightning will be raising their ‘2014-15 Eastern Conference Champions’ banner. But don’t be fooled, the Lightning are not champions of anything. That banner is really just saying that they participated in the Stanley Cup Finals, finishing second out of two teams.

This type of ceremony is toxic and is contributing to the harmful entitlement society that already exists in this country under Barack Obama. Children watching the ceremony will take away the destructive lesson that they don’t need to compete and win to be rewarded for things. It’s very problematic.

As for the Lightning, they will probably be too busy basking in the glory of their participation trophy to even realize that there’s a game going on. Good news for the Flyers

2. RJ UMBERGER IS BETTER THAN ALL OF THE TRIPLETS COMBINED

Through the 2014-15 playoffs, all of the talk was about Tampa Bay’s “Triplet Line”. This line, composed of Johnson, Palat and Kucherov, was a combined +102 last season.

Getting caught up in all of the hype could lead one to miss an important fact; RJ Umberger is better than any of these overrated children. Let’s take a look at the numbers, which do not lie.

Data from Wikipedia Dot Com

Data from Wikipedia Dot Com

As you can see, Umberger is clearly better than the entire triplet line by himself. Based on a comparison of career points, the Flyers are 2.9765625 times more likely to score a goal when Umberger is on the ice against Tyler Johnson. I’ll take those odds all day.

3. THE LIGHTNING APPARENTLY DIDN’T BOTHER TO TRAIN THIS OFFSEASON

I was optimistic about Tampa Bay’s chances this season. Until yesterday. An inside look at one of their practices led to the startling revelation that none of the players did any training this summer, and they are now terrible at skating. Feast your eyes on the below skating drill, which features Tyler Johnson skating against Ondrej Palat.

Oof. Terrible. Chances are that they just walked around all summer long saying “Ahhh, yeahhhh, I’m one of the triplets, best line in hockey” instead of, y’know, training to get better. They will now suffer the consequences.

4. BRAYDON COBURN PLAYS FOR THE LIGHTNING NOW

No need for an explanation here really. We’ve seen first hand for several years in Philadelphia how shitful Braydon Coburn is when it comes to playing the sport of ice hockey. Here are some notes about him in case you forgot.

  • He plays ‘soft’ hockey
  • He has never hit even one person in his career
  • He does not intimidate anybody on the ice
  • He does not use his size well
  • He has never scored a goal
  • He turns the puck over 8 out of 9 times he touches it
  • He was on the ice for every goal that was scored against Philadelphia last season

Speaks for itself. Coburn in the Tampa Bay lineup is a win for the Flyers, and every smart Flyers fan out there already knows it.

Based on my studies, I’d expect the Flyers to win tonight’s game by no less than 6 goals. I will settle for a 3-5 goal win, but anything less than that I will personally consider a loss. Puck drops at 7PM EST tonight. Go Flyers.

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